Actuarial Humour

[John Lee]

Does it worry you that no-one seems to know any good actuarial jokes?

What does this say about our profession?

Well now's your chance to show that actuaries do have a sense of humour.

So roll-up, roll-up and chuck us your best actuarial jokes. The best winning the dubious prize of being used in every one of John's tutorials.

John

 

[avanbuiten]

Use this one for CT5 tutorials.

" An Actuary walks into a bar. "




where A BAR is actually the present value of an assurance.

Not great I know!

 

[steven74]

kind of sad one

There's this actuary who works late every night, comes in on Saturday, even spends Sunday afternoon in the office. When I was going for a coffee I walked passed his desk and saw a ring on his finger, suggesting to me that he was married.

After a few months I finally got to speak to him on quite a drunken team building day. He seemed to be in quite a talkative mood, so I asked him whether he enjoyed being married. "Of course", he said, "it's fantastic!". Quite confused I asked him why, to which he replied "only when you are married you can have a mistress; at least then your wife will think you're with her, your mistress will think you're with your wife so you finally can get some work done"

 

[Squibbles]

never buy a fishpaste jam sandwhich from a carboot sale.

A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries are travelling by train to conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the actuaries had only bought one train ticket for the entire group. When the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle, the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. When he came to the bathroom he said, "Ticket, please." One ticket slid out, he punched it, and went on his way.
On the return trip home, the lawyers thought they'd try the same trick, but this time they noticed the actuaries had not bought any train tickets. As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom. One of the actuaries walked over to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket, please."

 

[Squibbles]

never buy a fishpaste jam sandwhich from a carboot sale.

Two people are flying in a hot air balloon and realize they are lost. They see a man on the ground, so they navigate the balloon to where they can speak to him.
They yell to him, "Can you help us - we're lost."
The man on the ground replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, about two hundred feet off the ground."
One of the people in the balloon replies to the man on the ground, "You must be an actuary. You gave us information that is accurate, but completely useless."
The actuary on the ground yells to the people in the balloon, "you must be in marketing." They yell back, "yes, how did you know?"
The actuary says," well, you're in the same situation you were in before you talked to me, but now it's my fault."

And one for reserving people

Definition of IBNR: In there, But Not Really

 

[alexbr]

www.actuarialjokes.com has masses of jokes (as the name would suggest!), including all the old boring 'let's have a go at actuaries' ones, but also some moderatly good ones.

 

[bobbathejobba]

www.actuarialjokes.com has masses of jokes (as the name would suggest!), including all the old boring 'let's have a go at actuaries' ones, but also some moderatly good ones.

No! They're awful! Don't put people through that torture! By the time they reach a funny joke their sense of humour will have been deadened!

 

[Deniese]

bobbathejobba...youo are right, they are stupid jokes on that website.....you'll use a few brain cells after reading it.

 

[Paul]

Actuaries

An introverted actuary is one who looks at issues when he talks to you.

An extroverted actuary is one who looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

 

[igitur]

Ok, not entirely actuarial but here goes:

There are 10 kinds of people:

• Those that understand binary
• Those who don't

 

[steven74]

good one; makes sense an actuarial PROGRAMMER sends that one in...

 

[eternal student]

did you spot the one that popped up in the actuary mag (that bottomless well of hilarity) a while back, about the woman who, upon discovering she had terminal cancer, decided to marry an actuary to make her remaining days seem longer

 

[RichardGee]

True Story

Not a joke but I thought it was funny - One of my friends told someone that he was an actuarial assisstant to which they replied in all seriousness "Does that mean you hold the bow and arrows?"

 

[igitur]

Not a joke but I thought it was funny - One of my friends told someone that he was an actuarial assisstant to which they replied in all seriousness "Does that mean you hold the bow and arrows?"

Well, similarly, my friend's father was convinced actuarial science had something to do with deep sea diving even up to his third year at university!

Other people here confuse it with agricultural science... and just the other day someone asked me what the difference is between an attorney and an actuary, to which my friend replied... "Nothing, we all lie"

 

[bobbathejobba]

Excellent misprint in CT7!

Just recently came across this misprint:

Consumer A purchases Good X and Good Y. If Consumer A’s income and the prices of Good X and Good Y double Consumer A’s Budget Line will:

A remain unchanged

B shift to the right but not change slope

C shift to the right and become steeper

D **** to the right and become less steep [1½]

They missed out the "f" from shift! Classic!

 

[Deniese]

Well, similarly, my friend's father was convinced actuarial science had something to do with deep sea diving even up to his third year at university!

Other people here confuse it with agricultural science... and just the other day someone asked me what the difference is between an attorney and an actuary, to which my friend replied... "Nothing, we all lie"

you think thats bad...people seem to think I have mistakenly said I was an "actor" when i tell them my profession.

 

[steven74]

you think thats bad...people seem to think I have mistakenly said I was an "actor" when i tell them my profession.

When I explained to a friend that my job included stochastic modelling, VBA, capital modelling etc, he went on and told his friends I worked for a modelling agency in the fashion business...

 

[OneTwoThreeFour]

More of a maths joke....

Q: what do you get if you cross a sheep and a fly

A: a plane perpendicular to both

arf!

 

[bobbathejobba]

Eh?

More of a maths joke....

Q: what do you get if you cross a sheep and a fly

A: a plane perpendicular to both

Eh? Why a sheep - or am I being daft?

 

[leafy]

It has nothing to do with the sheep/fly...it's a maths play on the word 'cross'. When used in Vector Calculus A x B (pronounced A cross B) when A and B are both vectors, will result in a vector C that is perpendicular to both A and B.

(Hence the pedant in me wants to re-write the answer as:
A vector that is perpendicular to both...)

Leafy

 

[igitur]

It has nothing to do with the sheep/fly...it's a maths play on the word 'cross'. When used in Vector Calculus A x B (pronounced A cross B) when A and B are both vectors, will result in a vector C that is perpendicular to both A and B.

(Hence the pedant in me wants to re-write the answer as:
A vector that is perpendicular to both...)

Leafy

And here I was trying to figure out the connection between fly, (aero)plane and the wooly mammal... mefinks the connection between the first two is too big to be ignored.

Speaking of woolies...

An actuary, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."

"No," says the actuary, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"